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04:43pm 07/10/2006
  Boys suck.  
Woah as Me   
09:39am 04/10/2006
  So yeah, because no one even reads livejournal anymore, i decided to post yet another entry. Please bare with me.

So I was supposed to go on a date with Ben yesterday. He told me he had a Dr.s appointment so he might not have to go to work but he ended up having to go so we made plans around 9 when he got off. I get a call from him and he tells me he cant do anything because he has to talk to his grandmother about setting up more Dr.s appointments. It turns out that the hernia he thought he had isnt a hernia but a swollen lymphnode which could be a lot of things including hodgkins disease. I tell him im really sorry and i hope everything works out. He tells me to call him later to hang out but i tell him that my week is pretty free so he should give me a call when he is not busy. Then he tells me to not wait for him. He tells me he doesnt want me to hold my breath and wait around for him to call. He tells me he wants me to go out and shit. WTF?

What the hell does that mean? I know i should have compassion for him since he might have cancer but did he really expect me to sit around at home, clutching my phone like a teddy bear and count the seconds for him to call me? I dont really know what this means. I could be optomistic or pessimistic about this. This could be a nice way of saying, im going through a lot and dont want to persue anything or it could mean he doesnt want me to wait around for him. Haha i guess that basically means the same thing. Well shit. I tell him im having people over saturday and if he is up for it, i will call him and see if he wants to hang out.

God, I am by far the worst dater EVER. I should get a reward at how many guys I lose in the first phase of this fucked up thing called dating. I dont even know why i get my hopes up. For me, its pure insanity to think it would work out any other way besides the worst possible scenario.

I probably am jumping to conclusions but jumping to conclusions seem to work for me. Im just going to give him some space, call him on saturday and see how it goes from there. I really do hope he is ok though...even if nothing comes from this.
4 real   
08:09am 02/10/2006
  Well, i cant even remember the last time i logged into this site let alone posted a journal entry but im bored and a lot has gone down so i might as well. I started taking this medicine that has really transformed my life and made me the person ive always wanted to be. Its a blessing how great modern medicine is. Im a very lucky boy.

I was very close to fucking it all up though. Im not going to get into specifics but yeah, it was hell on earth. A nightmare that wouldnt end even after you woke up. Everything is slowly but surely getting back to normal and again, i feel very blessed that nothing horrible happened.

Im talking to this guy Ben. Not very many people can make me intimidated but this boy can. I find myself rapidly searching for clever things to say just so i can keep up with him. He has lived in Scotland for the last 7 years and has no idea about any gay stigmas or stereotypes and isnt influenced by anyone else. He is his own person and i really admire that about him. Did i also mention hes incredibly good looking and an amazing kisser? Well yeah, he is.

I cant believe its already October. The semester is halfway over and so far I've made B's on every test i have taken so far. This is completely unacceptable. I will be doing much better from here on out.
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02:28am 05/05/2006
  Im not sure if i remember how to do this. I havent really evaluated my life like this in a while. I guess taking time to write about all the ideas and situations that swirl around in my head is a good thing. I hope so.

Well folks, it turns out that im A.D.D. After getting into finder binder number 20 million made me realize i was having a hard time paying attention. I took two tests that took 6 whole hours to complete and the results concluded that i had both types of adult A.D.D. My IQ was a 133 which is definitely not too shabby. Now that i take strettara, im more focused, im more calm and im never anxious. It truly has changed my life for the better and my only wish would to have taken it sooner. A lot would be different now. Thats for sure.

So there is a boy who enters my life every month or so but he is always meandering in my mind. He truly is the boy of my dreams in every since of the meaning. I feel so comfortable around him. I could talk to him for hours while looking into his eyes. He makes me feel special. Everything points to us being together. But, of course, with me there is always a catch. This time he has a boyfriend that lives in New York and he is also in the process of moving to New York. I have tried hard to get this boy out of my life but he is irresistable and i guess ill be honest, I have stopped trying for a while now. If he was mine, i would make that boy so incredibly happy. I guess we will see what happens.

School is good but i cant wait for the summer. I have a feeling this summer is going to be awesome. Maybe even the best summer to have ever happened. It could happen.
11:41am 07/07/2005
10:03am 06/06/2005
mood: cheerful
Tag Team...

List your current six favorite songs, then tag six other people who have to do the same thing in their journals.

1. OutCast - Ghetto Musik (A mix from some unknown dj)

2. Britney Spears - Chaotic

3. Gwen Stefani - Rich Girl (Eddie X Club Mix)

4. Ciara ft. Missy Elliot - 1,2 Step (Dj Scotty B Remix)

5. Lindsay Lohan - To Know Your Name

6. Scissor Sisters - Mary (Junky XL Mix)

...also worth mentioning...

Kelly Osborne - One Word (Chris Cox Mix)

Yes, i love remixes!
Im always gonna be your man!   
05:58pm 26/05/2005
mood: crazy
The first day of work went really well. Everyone was extremely polite except for a few people but they can go straight to H-E-L-L. I found out i get paid even more than i had previously thought. Sweet!

Im signing the lease with whitney very shortly. I mean it when i say the place is THE SHIT! I cant fucking wait. Im such a lucky boy and thank heavens i didnt move in with whatever his name is. Score!

I went out last night and mike got me really drunk. I didnt realize it but he was getting me drunk so i could tell him some shit about aaron. I was thinking "Mike is such a nice guy now. Im so thankful to have him as a friend!" Then, out of nowhere, he started asking me all these questions that i didnt know and was freaking out. Its cool though cause when he was on the phone with aaron, he was sitting on top of one of those stone mound things in front of south beach and fell backwards and hit his head. Dont worry, he didnt bust his head open or anything. We both laughed our asses off though. Drunken dumb ass!

Thats it for now, whitney doesnt know it yet but we are going to throw a HUGE party! Its going to be the party of the year. If anyone wants to share some themes i could use, feel free to comment. Thanks a bunch!
Holy, Holy, Holy....   
12:02pm 28/11/2004
mood: geeky
Im finally back in austin. The funny thing is when i was driving back, i felt really excited like it was one of the times i came before i moved. I took Jade home and we drank a bottle of parrot bay and got really drunk. We then went to charlies but no one was there so i decided i would just go home and get some much needed sleep. It felt really nice. Here is a recap of my fun filled thanksgiving in Houston...

Friday jacques finally got a weekend off so we went to O. Bad idea. Everyone and i mean everyone in there was cracked out. I ran into jeremy and he looked like crap with his ugly crack head boyfriend. The whole "Im so fabulous, i look like i just left a concentration camp and have been up for a week" look just isnt pretty. Everyone told me that i look so different. Yeah, being healthy is different. I saw once healthy people look so bad and skinny. I saw this one dude that used to be fat and now he is skin and bones. He looked a lot better fat. Nick and abby were right, the boys of houston are mostly crack heads. I really need to find some cool guys in houston to hang out with besides my wonderful friends.

It hasnt really been my fault but i really, really need to get fierce in the gym. I still look decent but i feel like such a bum and i ate lots of crap this holiday. Its time for me to go back to eating healthier because i dont feel like im in very good shape right now. I miss being hardcore healthy. I will be by my 21st birthday. Im going to work out HARDCORE for my birthday. Im going to train for a month and look damn good on my birthday. Hell yeah!

Just a couple of weeks of studying and then it will be Christmas break. I cant fuckin wait!
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Ooh baby   
03:04pm 31/10/2004
mood: mellow
It is halloween today and im all partied out. This weekend has been a huge blur. Here is how it went.

Friday i went to a bunch of college party around my house. It is so nice that if i have nothing to do on a friday, all i have to do is walk down the street to find a bunch of crazy, drunk, stoned college kids. There were so many hot straight boys and since it was halloween, it was the one night of the year when no one cares if they make out with a dude. I made out with 3 straight dudes and 2 girls. All i have to say is that im glad you cant get mono twice. I may be a whore but im a high class one damn it.

Nick and abby came to see me the next day. God, i love them so much! The three of us mixed with a splash of alcohol equals some fuckin crazy ass times. We went to this party and nick dissapeared to do who knows what with who knows who. You go gurl. I got really drunk and ended up puking all my wonderful food up when i got home. Abby invited Alex to come chill and we had fun. It was nice having someone to hold while sleeping. I hate to admit this but he is growing on me even though there are certain things he does that pisses me off. I guess maybe i will have to get use to them. Nick and abby seemed to enjoy his company, expecially when he was naked, so that was nice. We will see how far this one will go but im not expecting too much.

Yay for music.
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11:05am 12/10/2004
mood: creative

I bathed in insanity for eternity
Blind-sided by your perpetual force
that sent me soaring into the depths of this world.
I was bewildered, waves of anxiety sufficated me
Cold beads of water slowly slithered down my cheek.
In a blink of an eye,
I rose from the core of the Earth without a cut or bruise.
Life, it seems, just isnt fair...
yes, even for you.
My fulminated glare spoke louder than a voice could ever carry.
Your spell had run its course but failed to achieve your devilish deeds.
A puppet twists and turns by the harmonic movement of his masters hands
but notice there are no strings stappled into my back.
You may have thought I was nothing more than a juvenile novel
but you failed to read between the lines.
You may have underestimated me based on my boyish appearance
but i swear my fangs are much longer and sharper than they appear.
This battle may have been lost but the war is not yet over.
Our love may have scorched the land on a fiery, summer day
but my love for you has fallen
like the leaves on the trees of a cool, autumn day.
At long last I feel free
and i will never turn around
not even to see the cold beads of water that slither slowly down your cheek.

Day 6   
02:37pm 05/10/2004
  Britney's perfume is the shit man. It smell bad ass. Very light and sweet. You go gurl...  
     Read 1 - Post
day 5   
10:25pm 04/10/2004
mood: amused
Thimks are finally clearing up. Nate and i seem to be really cool. I still feel weird if i disagree with him about something. Haha, i just dont want him to get pissed off at me. Even though things are ok, i dont think i should mention other guys in front of him. I dont want to hurt his feelings. He cooked me dinner tonight though. It was really fuckin good. Nate would make a really good boyfriend. Maybe we will date...who knows? Im trying to be more open to the possibility of taking things to the next level with a friend. I could just be lonely though.

Im also talking to 2 other dudes right now. First dude is the same age as me although i think im a little bit older than he is. He may be too masc for me though but the best part about him is that he is completely cool with being gay. Most of his friends are straight and he often goes to strip joints. I think its kind of cute in a way. He told me that hes seen way too much pussy for a gay man. I would have to agree. He goes to UT and wants to be a politician. He lives about 15 mins away from me which is far if you live in austin. He works out and is very outgoing. He seems like a great guy.

Ive been text messaging this one dude. We met at Oil Cans and have been playing phone tag ever since. He seems like a nice guy and hes pretty cute. I dont really know all that much more about him besides him being 22 and going to UT.

Best part about both is that we really havent talked about sex or anything like that. We have a mutual understanding that we want to get to know each other first before we jump in the sac. Im getting kind of ancy so hopefully ill get to know them quick! Haha jp. Its just nice having something to look forward to.

Everything else is going well. Im working out hard and starting to restrict my eating habits more. Its better this way, im happiest when im at my healthiest. Ninfas or Chachos is definitely another story though.
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Fuck you, you hoe, i dont want you back!   
12:55pm 30/09/2004
mood: naughty
Well obviously thats a lie. Josh and i have become "friends" once again. Its amazing how soon i enter his life, Jeff is right on my tail. I was over there and he called Josh telling him he was going to Oil Cans tonight with some dude from his work. Great. As soon as he mentioned jeff, the old feelings i had for him came rushing in. To make things worse, he kept trying to wrestle with me like im some straight dude. One day i will wrestle him and im going to kick his fucking ass. All the anger and frustration has built up inside me and is waiting to explode. I would much rather release this stress by fucking him but i dont think thats going to happen so i might as well just kick his ass so it will make me feel better.

Its kind of ironic that all of his friends are really into me. They buy me drinks and try to get me really fucked up so i will go to bed with them. Um, its going to take a lot more alcohol and who-knows-what to get me to do that. Please gurl. MMMMkay. Haha jp. So anyway, jeff shows up and comes up to me and tries to be all polite with his hick, la grange accent. I shook his hand but i didnt give him a hug. If i wrapped my arms around him it would be to choke him, not to give him a friendly embrace. Josh and Jeff found themselves a cousy little corner of the bar and talked and waved for me to come over. I pretended i was too drunk to realize what they wanted me to do and pretended they were just saying hi. Losers. Ill just pretend im over it as well. Yes, that is what i shall do.

Nate is mad at me right now. He is so dumb when it comes to his sexuality. He tries to convince everyone hes bi like being gay is this horrible thing. You are 21 years old and if you really, truely wanted to fuck a girl, you would have done it by now. The reason you want to be able to fuck girls is because you think that if you can fuck girls then all the straight boys you want to come fuck you will do it because you believe everyone is bi. It doesnt work out that way dude. Dont be so egotistical and be like the stupid straight guys that are like "Yeah, im gonna fuck her." "She wants my dick so bad." I dont really think most girls want a gay boys dick. Thats just my personal opinion anyway. But seriously its the whole michael jackson thing. Im black but im going to make myself white and still try to convince all the african americans that hes still crunk and his heezy for sheezy. Aint flying with me.

Ben is also pissing me off but im not going to get into it. Way too much shit to write about. It isnt even funny. Ive tried to excommunicate him but the fly keeps coming like im some flaming light. Hehe, well i am flaming....But seriously, i dont know what to do with him. I dont want to be a bitch but im afraid im going to have to be. Haha, like its hard for me to do or something...

I just miss all my h-town friends because they are all on the same level as me. They understand me like no other and keep me sane with all the bull shit that goes down in austin. Sometimes i feel im too intelligent for my own good. I know it sounds concieted but all the brainiacs out there no what im talking about. People dont like someone who is always right. Shit they should meet my friends in houston where im the dummy.
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Straight boys in bikinis....mmmmmm   
11:19am 21/07/2004
mood: complacent
Nate came over yesterday to smoke my ass out. I made him some speghetti and he talked to jacques for a while. Those 2 are so going to fuck. Teeheehee. It will be great. Nate took me over to his friend pauls house who was having a party. The party was really bad ass. There were so many different types of people there. There was me, nate and this guy stephen, all of which were obviously homos. I could put mitchell, jades boyfriend, in the list with us but im not that cruel. There were a couple of normal college girls, one really fierce asian girl who had this really bad ass gucci pipe, this hippie stoner white girl who had dreads and refused to use deodorant, this fat girl who i was told was always fucked up out of her mind and a couple of straight boys that you would definitely be confused about. They were playing swinger music which while really stoned worked really well with the party. We missed jennifer, the girl who is always happy, dancing around in the middle of the street. Haha, i really like her. Jade is really cool too. Now that we are tight, i wouldnt have sex with her hot gay boyfriend. Mitchell , the gay boyfriend, told me "Dude, i bought these 2 bad ass diesel shirts and these really bad ass bracelettes...but im not a fag! Dont think im a fag!" Lol, i would never say that but i sure as hell think it.

I really do not want to go to school. Sniff sniff. I have to get my acc student id so i can get into the clubs...legally.

Thats it for now. Everyone take care.
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poem *~Starless Night~*   
07:01pm 11/07/2004
mood: creative
I regress back to the backward days
I wonder why i thought i was ok.
I felt as though i was this magnificent butterfly
that didnt have to wait to fly straight out of its caccoon.
I could have sworn i had changed
but now i know i was nothing but the same
Just hindered and rearranged.
I cant help but look into your gorgeous eyes
There i could see the sun rise
even on the most beautiful starry night.
You alone gave me these wings i use to take flight
I felt as though i could have anything that was clear in sight.
I wonder when i finally will grow up.
I used to look in the mirror and see such a strong man.
Someone who conquered so much just by the clinching of his hands.
But my confidence soon was tainted by concietedness.
I thought i was the baddest bitch in all the land.
I even let you slip from my grasp
thinking it would only take minutes for you to come right back.
You are so close yet planets away.
In a black, abandoned universe with our glowing bodies being the only thing illuminating light.
Millions and billions of years from now
when there will be no such thing as life
My love for you will still shine bright
like one star that fights hard to shine on such a lonely starless night.

Leave (get out)   
12:08pm 22/06/2004
mood: depressed
Last night was my depression night. I ate about half of my food in my kitchen and didnt go out at all the whole day. Well i worked out but that was it. Today is going to be different. I went to go buy the Jo Jo Cd that has my favorite song, "Leave (Get Out)." I cant find the lyrics but if you download it, youll completely understand how i feel.

Im not depressed for myself, im depressed for Josh. He has issues that ive delt with a year ago and i would do anything to help him. Maybe im in love with him, i dont know. I've never felt so unselfish before. I know he cant help but hurt me and i know i could help him so much. Id want to make him see what hes doing to himself and how much i care about him. God, it hurts so bad. I feel like someone is wripping my heart out.

I never hated homophobics until now. They are the reason why so many great guys are fucked up. If from the day you were born, you were scared shitless for being gay and then you realize you are the thing that everyone in your family hate the most, it breaks you. Then when you come out and see how dissapointed or hateful your family is, it destroys you. Then when you are buying Britney Spears new cd and the guy at the check out counter looks at you in a strange way like you belong in a mental institution, deep down you think maybe you do. Then, even worse, when you are talking to some guy on the internet and they ask you how "straight acting" you are, like even though you are gay you have to be straight, it makes you realize just how fucked up this world really is.

I never realized that I too, am ashamed of being gay. I used to not tell anyone because i didnt think it was their business or because i didnt feel like getting into it but now i know its because i dont want people to judge me based on being gay. When i was growing up, people always assumed i was gay and treated me like shit for it. I remember crying not because they made fun of me but because i knew deep down they were right...i was gay.

Because of this, i did the same thing josh did. I basically punished myself by falling for guys that treated me like shit. Guys that didnt want to touch me, guys that tried to control me, anyone that treated me like shit were guys i wanted to be with more than ever. I did the same thing with josh but it wasnt that josh treated me like shit that appealed to me, it was that me and josh were going through the same problems and that we would be really good for each other. I fell for him because he made me feel extremely comfortable and i know deep down me and josh are meant to be but if i dont get through to him soon, his life will go down the drain.

I called him and told him i wanted to talk to him and i also wanted him to bring me my clothes and that i had his clothes waiting for him. I could tell for a split second he was really sad by this but was able to maintain his cool. I know he feels like im giving up on him. Just like i care about josh, i care about myself and i cant torture myself by trying to help him. I must do this for myself even though its really hard.

This pride is going to be especially special to me. Im not going to hide being gay anymore. Im not going to run around in rainbows but if my homophobic relatives ask why i dont have a girlfriend, im going to tell them its because im gay. I know my parents will be mad at me to cause drama but i dont care, if they cant accept me for me then im not going to accept them as being apart of my family. They will just be strangers to me.

Even if things with josh dont work out, he helped me to be more proud of myself and he gave me the strength to help the people who are lost in all the bull shit straight people give us because we suck dick instead of eat pussy. UGH..im so angry right now....good thing im going to the gym.
thats all it takes to make me???????   
09:26am 14/06/2004
mood: crazy
How to make a bruceslife17

1 part friendliness

1 part ambition

3 parts energy
Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Serve with a slice of lovability and a pinch of salt. Yum!
poem time...   
03:56pm 06/06/2004
mood: nerdy

Once I could time travel
I closed my eyes and let go of the reality we percieve as space and time.
Infinite-D was my reality.
At less than iota of trouble
In less than a blink of an eye
the scenery changed to fit every emotion i could experience

At one thought

feathers sunk like rocks
the sun made of ice blocks
it snowed cherry vodka sour
raw, uninhibited, sexual intercourse on the streets.

My own home that honed all the questions of the world
And knew all the correct answers.

When i came to my own home,
I wasnt alone.
I had to share my home with someone else.
My whole being belonged to you and there was nothing i could do....
But, i was happy.
Psycho...but happy.

I still remember the first time i saw you.
We were standing inside an Ancient Greek Coliseum.
Our favorite songs were playing all at once
in perfect harmony.
The sky black with hot pink clouds
molding and oozing into each other.
You whispered in my ear
with your fuckin sexy fuckin voice,

you said

There doesnt have to be an explanation,
Its ok to experience this kind of fixation.
This was never meant for the imagination,
This whole time it was about creation.

Hearing those words was liking taking 3 tabs of X
while having one monster orgasm that lasted for eternity.

I guess what i want to emphasize
is that people should realize
that sometimes
if we close our eyes
we are home.
im cursed   
08:39am 06/06/2004
mood: concieted
Happy pride in austin. Boy am i hung over. It seems like if you invite people to hang out, all they want is sex. I invited some brazilian dude over and i have no idea what happened. I hope i didnt puke all over him. That would be very american of me. I had a lot of fun last night. I got my picture taken by all the locals. I guess im the "new meat." People are nice but they dont understand me. They think im going to swoon when they say im the hottest guy in austin. I miss nick, my partner in crime. We would be the hottest guys at the club and we would talk shit about all the dudes who try but fail. I met Josh's boy last night. Ugly. Ew, double ew. If josh wants me to be ugly, that i cannot be. He did compliment how ive been workiing out and shit. Thanks baby. You could have had me at hello too. I saw them making out and it was weird but i was too drunk to care. I saw tyler and robbie which was nice. I really want to get into their circle of friends. Besides all that, i had a great night. Josh saw that im not his bitch any longer. He has the option to chose whether he wants some nasty straight boy or he wants someone who can work him like a palaroid picture. Turns out mission: FukU^^ will be easier than expected. Sooooooooo much fun. Austin disserves a little non-cosure weather. Now alls i gotta do is remember what happened to my foreign boy.

Note to self: When you bring home a trick, do not put on "Pratical Magic." Instead give a really good blow job.
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All things just keep getting better :-D   
06:00pm 02/06/2004
mood: confused
So yeah, i got some bad news....

Turns out Josh has a new boy. They met at Joes Crab Shack. Hes a closet case that told his friends that he would never kiss a guy but he kissed josh. , theyve had sex , and josh feels like a little school girl when he talks about him. So cute. So fuckin cute. Josh took him to his first GAY club and they drank and talked for hours. They have really deep conversations. Maybe i should have talked about vagina, im sure thats fuckin deep enough for you.

Anyway, thats not the worst part. I mean sitting through all of it was bad enough but definitely not the worst. He also asked me advice on what i would do and of course i told him to totally go for it. I mean you already stabbed me in the heart, do you want me to beg for you to twist it and turn it a little deeper? The whole time on the phone i was thinking "FUCK YOU." He treats me like fuckin shit and im taking it like a fuckin school girl. Im the school girl here.

The worst part is i said "sure" to his question about him and his boy coming over to smoke some weed. I think thats the worst part. The worst is yet to come sounds about right. Yup, sure does.

Ok im sure you are wondering "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING???????" but ive thought of a devious plan that is called Mission:FukU^ Nah, i really just want to feel this guy out. See what hes like and see if hes as great as Josh says. If he is then maybe we will hit it off. You never know, straights gone gay sure do like to switch partners when they first come off. A strapping young man of 20 would definitely want to see what other options he has. Hell, hes only been to one gay club. What about when he start making gay friends? All crazy college kids that want to fuck and party. I would sure hope he wouldnt fall into that but chances are he will. But knowing how much Josh likes him, that wont happen. Never ever would happen.

I need to make some friends anyways.